20th April 2011

As I finish reading the 12th chapter of Murphy's book I'm left feeling amazed at the magical ability of our subconscious mind. I've read about it all earlier as well but I'm not sure what kept me from plunging into action, from trying out the suggestions on myself and see whether or not they work. This time, interestingly, I just know they work...yes everything that he's talking about in his book, regardless of what "anyone" says...I know he is absolutely right and I feel SO grateful to him for having shared his findings and discoveries with me. I certainly intend to turn my life around for the better and am pretty hopeful for the future. I plan to read his book and Psychocybernetics a couple of times over the course of this year, until the teachings get deeply embedded in my mind and I am - in my heart - thoroughly convinced about the power of Sub ;)
Of course that doesn't mean I'm gonna wait until then to experiment. In fact I already am visualizing a positive outcome for my graduation result ( focus being chiefly on third year) though not as often as I'd like to , but its a start nevertheless ;)

There's just one tricky/odd problem. You got to be sure of what you want. In my case I'm not sure of what I want my next step to be , as in if I wish to pursue languages further or if I wish to branch into psychology. Funnily enough I even wonder at times if leaving english literature would be a wise thing though I surely have noticed that I am not that fond of appreciating it the academic way! So I'm going to be using the affirmation "The infinite intelligence of my subconscious reveals to me now my true place in life" And I'm using one for my exams too so as to cast away all fear and doubts! It's really great to see my sister becoming sure of her career choice. I too shall like to sail in the same ship :P

Can't help wondering what an individuals life would be like if he/she stops believing in failure, knows that he's bound to become a success and that each day leads him closer to just that, is aware that he has a constant aid available to him in the form of his subconscious mind, an aid via which he could learn and experience so much! What if he stopped believing in lack, in dearth? be it financial or emotional ( say in context of relationships...you know how people believe that you can have only a certain no. of friends in life and even if you have two you should consider yourself lucky!) What if I start believing in all those things? Of course initially it'll feel unnatural and I may fall back to my previous patterns but this thing is totally worth giving my all to :)
So... umm... What if...
* I became convinced that I'm born to be a success in life
* I started offering thanks to every help , opportunity and benefit that the universal force bestows upon me ( no lip service..I mean gratitude that comes from the heart)
* I became convinced about my path as an author and knew with absolute surity that I'd be one!!
* I stopped complaining ( which means being careful about my verbiage and keeping a check on my thoughs too)
* I realized that life is For me , not Against me!
* I actually made a beautiful mind movie for myself using umm say Window maker.
* I could "actually" have all that I desired and that I didn't have to worry about how any of the things i desired shall come to pass...just knew with surity that they would :)
* I stopped worrying about anything, be it exams, career or my life in general, not because I've become carefree or don't care but because I know in my heart that I'm being taken care of in every moment.
[ I realize that this What if game was actually suggested by Esther and Jerry Hicks in their book. Hmm..so they werent wrong in having said what they did and theirs was indeed a very interesting book to study. Unlike earlier I shall not have to grapple with skepticism when I read i again this time I guess. ]

Oh and none of this means that I'm gonna try and take short cuts or not work for my exams or anything else in general. In fact , I have come to learn an important lesson about balancing spirituality and the spiritual world. How could any of the things i read about have proved their validity when I had detached myself so much from the material world. This world isn't bad and that knowledge is meant to be "applied". After all, I'm 'Here' for a reason! :)

April 15th 2011

Just finished listening to Tracy a while back. Can't help thinking that there has to be something about this entire topic of self improvement and subconscious mind that keeps me hooked. That somewhere inside of me I do have a deep yearning to really see myself for who I am ...to bring my true potential to the fore. I was pretty awed by Stu but just a while back I checked out his video in which apart from other langauges he spoke in Hindi as well and I was pretty surprised to note how funny his Hindi was, nothing like the kind I expected it to be. That just gave me more hope, told me that I really can master five or more languages and create a name for myself. But first of course I must learn to learn for the joy of it.Everything else comes later! Stu inspires me in some way nevertheless and so does this guy whose profile I had a cursory glance at a few moments ago. He learnt dance at Broadway and became pretty renowned via dance india dance. I think the best thing in it all is that he chose to follow his talent, his passion. I have often wondered...what is it that drives me on, that I like to do and via which I too could benefit myself , the world at large and become renowned as well. At the same time I 'must' add that I realize there are no shortcuts and no corner cutting could take me to the level I wanna be at. Only focus, discipline, dedication , persistence and an undying faith. 10 things I would like to achieve in a years timeframe ( i thought of writing this coz my b'day is almost here and it'd probably give me a renewed sense of vigour to strive for my goals this time. Besides I do feel I've grown and changed in some ways and one mustn't give up trying!) *Graduate *Psychology MA * Get through JNU german for that'll tell me a lot about my caliber *Write my book * My Inspiritational/Motivational website * Read 200 books * Finish Collins German Dictionary and 1000 Russian words! * Exercise and meditate everyday * Do 50 random things ( like going for a play or out of delhi or exhibition) * Learn 50 recipes. * Earn 10,000 via writing.

I believe I can fly

April 15th 2011

Funny, all this while I had been writing the dates wrong...so today is not the 14th but 15th.
I don't know why I feel the need to say or write this. But a part of me now feels that I can do it....that I can emerge victorious come what may..that I can crack this challnge and finally learn the lesson I'm being asked to learn. It wasn't until I read a random status on a friend's wall yesterday that an understanding was triggered as I got up this morning. Well yeah part of it must also have to do with my having read Murphy's book before I hit bed and two chapters from Robin Sharma's book "Who will cry when you die". The status line I spoke of was "Nothing ever goes away until it has taught you what you need to do" I figured this morning ( something I also wrote about in an email to a distant friend that perhaps I had been looking at this pattern the wrong way...I thought it was my enemy when all along it was a kind and patient teacher to me,waiting for me to finally get what it was trying to say. I still don't know what it wants to tell me but I believe that as I got up this morning I was a step closer to the answer. I read a few pages from both the books I previously mentioned and I have to share these beautiful quotes from Robin's book that are directly applicable to my challenge or situation.

Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done , whether you like it or not - Thomas Henry Huxley

Whatever we learn to do , we learn by actually doing it : men come to be builders, for instance, by building, and harp players, by playing the harp. In the same way, by doing just acts we come to be just, by doing self controlled acts , we come to be self controlled, and by doing brave acts, we come to be brave - Aristotle.

Oh and I also downloaded a beautiful song from youtube that should serve to give me constant hope. Its titled "I believe I can fly". Uplifting and encouraging.

If someday I really get around songwriting , the way I've often thought, then these are the kind of songs i shall write for I would never want any other soul to go through the kind of pain i have. Actually, it'll be wrong to say that I wouldn't want them to go through such pain for with pain comes understanding. It visits us for a reason. But I'd want my fellow brothers and sisters to not feel lonely or lost as they tread the path of self understanding. I feel for such people for I know what a lonely path it was or has been for me.

I don't know why I'm saying this but just about everything I have learnt "till date" I wish to use for the benefit of others, I wish to use it to help others understand. I don't like the idea of keeping it hoarded, to keep my skills and talents to myself. A talent is meant to be used for others and skill to serve others. And if they manage to glean if an iota of understanding from my pain, words or experiences, I'd consider my purpose solved.

Therefore, if I emerge successful in this 50 day challenge I undertook, If I manage to successfully graduate, I am going to invest time in setting up a platform that could inform, motivate and encourage other souls. I honestly have no clue how I'd do it. But I've had this idea in my mind for so long that I must act on it else I'd continue feeling restless and who knows, maybe it is connnected to the purpose I've been seeking so desperately all this while? I have to act on this hunch or nudge that I believe i've had for a long time now. I guess it's been there since i was 19 or 20. And considering what all everyone has been saying about the dimensional change or the shift or 2012 or human evolution in general I've come to understand that the time to act is NOW. Because it is now that So many people are struggling. There must be many fellow seekers of mine looking for a path , or some light at the end of the tunnel, many who must be struggling to keep away thoughts of gloom and hopelessness. My heart goes out to them. And in this moment I pray that they all be taken care of and that they all come to unveil the greatness they possess , the beauty that lies within their very soul, that they see themselves for who they really are .... infinite, beautiful beings who have it in them to help our world change for the better.

I've had several ideas since I was 18, ideas that I could have worked on but I didn't either because i didn't have the courage to act on them or because I thought I just couldn't succeed at their implementatin and improvisation. Something or the other was always missing ( in my eyes ) and kept me from acting. Even now as I think of this little contribution that I intend to make for my own benefit and my fellow seekers I have thoughts of doubt trying to come to the surface of my mind and I have to tell myself "Don't kill it again, don't think of what can go wrong" . And now I can't help smiling....because

a) I'm listening to Amazing grace in the beautiful voice of an artist Chris Tomlin...and a part of me really can't help wondering if the song is apt for this moment of realization and gratitude. And I'm thinking..."have i not found the purpose I was looking for all this while?" And somewhere inside me a part of me is really wondering...gosh "Are my chains really gone?" =0)

b) I realize that nothing can actually go wrong. Because all along it never mattered how perfectly I implement this little plan i've nursed in my heart for long. The only thing that "Does" matter is the Intent, is this desire in my heart to reach out to others and soothe their souls and help them believe in themselves all over again and to realize their true potential. What matters is this desire I possessed all along to become an instrument of his love, to serve my fellow brethrens. And so if one really thinks about it, there's nothing I have to worry about. I consider it done. The universal force shall guide me and provide me with just the right resources to carry out this idea/plan. I lovingly request my guardian angels to protect this beautiful thought from any thorns of sorrow or doubt, and to work upon it while I focus on my exams. I trust in the guidance of the higher force and know that I shal be guided. Really. When i look at this guy who started with the "Love police" concept or Anna Hazare who's fasting against corruption I realize that you only need the spirit, the intent...the rest just falls in place. These people are an excellent example of the same. I'm reminded of Mahatma Gandhi's words "Be the change you wish to see in the world"

I am to think not what "they" can do but what "I" can do to bring about a positive change and to touch the lives of as many people as I can. You know it's funny but as a teenager of course I even thought of how much profit I could make with such ideas or how I could put up advertisements or books from the sale of which I could earn a comission but honestly, none of that matters now. I feel driven with a spirit that transcends such petty things, I'm driven with the desire to spread love and comfort. And I know that in the process I too shall be taken care of in whatever way it's required. I must come from a place of selflessness or this idea can never truly blossom and benefit others. Besides, I see so much being done by Americans for their own people and their counterparts across the globe. I can't help feeling that it's time I stop cribbing about it and realize that perhaps I was born in India for a reason. Pehraps I really could do something for my nation, my people and of course my brothers and sisters in the rest of the nations. Ultimately , we are all one. It's time to "Wake Up".

I know I still have a lot of work that I need to do on myself and this awareness too kept me from getting into a mode of action. However, I also realize now that we are a work in progress and that considering what a perfectionist I've always been I shall never think I've done enough work on myself. So I believe the time has come, for me to get into action. Ahhh my heart expands at the very thought :) It's my soul saying a resounding yes. But yes, I still have these exams to undertake and if and when i feel any fear I shall look it in the face and say I know I CAN do it so no use trying to scare me chap!

You know how they say that we all have come to this planet with a purpose and all we need is to be able to realize what that purpose is, that it's IN us and we just need to unveil it. I really felt irritated by such talks but now I'm beginnng to think I might be close to unveling it. Whatever it is , it's meant for others, It never was for me!! And yeah I think I'm not supposed to keep waiting "until" the time I become a postgraduate or phd or until I start earning because then the right time shall never come.

* A kind deed daily. Reflecting upon it as I hit bed.

* Attitude of Gratitude

* Doing my duty, my work and believing that it's leading me closer to my purpose

* Trusting that this seed I found from the recesses of my soul today is now in the germination phase.

* Keep an account of any snippets of ideas coming to me.

* Hug campaign. ( Power of touch)

* Speaking in schools to kids. Or via youtube.

* Sharing the reviews of quality books, videos, quotes, articles, experiences..whtever feels right.

*Affirmations

*Continue reading Murphy

I'm not sure if I can tell why I became this way or how. I am trying to figure that ot myself.Yes I tried seeking help but it doesn't seem to have worked. Guess I'm pretty much on my own. Me against the world or what? I don't know exactly where I picked up these somewhat destructive tendencies from....something like my knowing that my not studying would ultimately bring me to harm by my not being able to find the right MA course for myself or via wastage of even more time. MA is not a choice here..it's a must in my case considering that I wasn't born with a silver spoon and that it's my ladder to financial independence and self advancement in life. My sister has been trying to help me understand this for a long time but what she doesn't get is that I do know it all intellectually just that it is either not sinking in emotionally or perhaps I've been denying it all along , I'm not sure which one is true here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Just when I was wondering about exactly why I've been witnessing a repetitive pattern in my life since the past four years, wondering about where my life is heading...wondering what I truly want and stand for and what I truly want I ended up reading the following lines on a friend's facebook wall. " Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to do " I had an hour and a half's talk with a friend today. It was suprising to learn that he felt the same way I have back in school - that he's born for greatness. And he shared that it was his believe in the same that gave him the courage inspite of all the hurdles he came across in his path so far. Only difference between him and I - He's proving it through his actions , I'm not!!! And it's scary to think that if I don't mend my ways I'd probably be saying the same thing even ten years from now!! Time would pass anyhow. And to say I became an existentialist would really not be a good excuse. ================================= I don't know why I've always had this crazy desire to be something by 25 ... I know it's pretty weird , all the more so now coz i turn 23 this year and I won't even realize how these two years would pass by. ============================= Less than a month left now :( I have to believe in myself...I must! No other alternative left. Dear God, please give me the strength and the courage to make it all happen and to realize where my passion , my heart, my true interest lies!! It feels like a strange struggle, a struggle about retrieving myself back , the self i used to be and in the process transcending that self altogether and emerging as a more stronger and smarter person than I knew myself to be!

A Mundane Start....

April 12th 2011 With every passing day my exam get closer and so does stress and that sense of anxiety. What happened to that blissful feeling I experienced yesterday, one second you've got it made, next second you're down in the dumps - a line from Cassandra Steen's song "Darum Leben Wir!" My brother was all concerned about my career yesterday , asking me what I intend to do, what my plans for the future are and so forth. It felt nice to note that someone felt concerned. But could it be true, what my sister says..that his concern mostly is just a facade, that it's just a pretension and that deep down he doesn't want any one of us to succeed or at least not more than him?! I've witnessed on a few occasions how cunning, shrewd or manipulative he can be but me being me I'm always ready to notice that particle of goodness even the worst person may possess , he after all is my brother! Does my sister really see him for who he is or is she too harsh on him. Could I be proved right in the end...could it be that he really does possess a beautiful heart regardless of everything?! How is it that my instincts fail me here? Sometimes i really feel that me and my sister's relation shall not remain the same. There's something about her brutal , heartless retorts, like she doesn't care if you feel hurt by what she may have said. It's funny , this feeling that I sense at times. As long as I'm in the dumps and she has a chance and an opportunity to put me down or to feel superior to me she's ok or on a sort of high, confident about her plans and eveything. However, the moment I'm feeling high or happy or excited and am doing my work dedicatedly...I've noticed how , suprisingly, she starts having doubts about her life, choices and career! It's weird and I'm not sure how this works. But for long I've been feeling like it's a strange power play going on. Guess I better maintain a distance from both of them to maintain my sanity! These days I've been experiencing a strange sense of loneliness. I do have friends but I don't feel like talking to them except once in a while. Yes, sometimes talking helps but mostly , it feels like a futile exercise. It's as if all my heart really wants is something it could fully engross itself in. I want something I could feel absolutely passionat about and involved in. But I'm slowly beginning to realize that I'd have to put in adequate efforts along with a firm belief in myself to discover it. It's IN me. I just have to be able to really see it for what it is. Ultimately it's my own journey. As long as I'm willing to work hard and learn from my mistakes and experiences there shall be options galore for me I'm sure. I sense it. Yes , I feel pretty much like I'm on my own and I don't know if I'll make it till the end..if I'll manage to finish my degree successfully ( something that is of utomost importance considering my financial postions and my dreams!) but does it mean I'll stop trying? My sister said "I wash my hands off you". I suppose she's sick of trying to convince me that there's no such thing as angels, metaphysics etc. She's become rather bitter about it all. But as far as I remember , it was never something she was interested in..she just got into it for she peraps felt that she could match me intellectually that way. She thought she was lacking something for she read only fiction and I was more into non fiction and had different topics to talk about and present my views about. I want that "ME " back. But this time I'd not preach away my knowledge and shall keep my future plans to myself. I shall not discuss what my dreams are or what it is that I wish to do. I'm not sure what made me so numb towards my future and career but what I do know is that the only way out of this all is to keep moving, to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If no one else is here to give me hope then I must do that for myself. Ah and here's a beautiful message that just popped into my inbox. It truly sums it all up! This is not the end.But the beginning. All endings start something better. It is inevitable. Here is God's promise : Life proceeds , it never receeds. Life progresses , it never regresses. Not even death ends anything so how can this particular even matter? It is true. When one door closes, another opens. The movement of life is ever upward. Six months from now you'll know this, for now trust it. Do you think God doesn't know what She is doing?

A 50 day journey

11th April 2011, 6:15pm What are 50 days if you think of it ....especially when you know how quickly time and days pass. It was just 2010 yesterday and before you know you've stepped into the year 2011. Time really waits for none and is one of those intangible things that always seems to be one the move!! I felt glad yesterday that I pushed myself to study for my German test even though i thought I won't be able to for my chest felt heavy and as has often been the case in the past few days..I felt a deep sadness in my soul. Like always I wasn't sure about the source but what the hell what do I care about that, what mattered more was to study for the test however I could! Somehow I managed and with God's grace and contrary to my expectations I did well in the test I believe! It's a shame thought that as much as I wanted to relax yesterday...I just didn't know exactly what it is that I could do to induce that feeling within me or what I could do to feel good in that moment or carefree! Just a few hours ago i was again filled with a strange feeling....the kind that makes you feel that life has come to a stand still. You lose all hope and wonder what's the point in going on. Talking to my Finnish friend over the phone helped. I wasn't sure if it would make any difference , telling someone how hopeless you think your life has become, how you can't seem to figure why you're struggling so hard with your studies or why your hear is just not into it, how bored you're feeling with life and disappointed over no answers coming your way...but it did. I still felt numb but a little comforted. I think of this friend as a brave fellow for inspite of the rough waters he's been through he's absolutely dedicated to his work and fulfils his duty with sincerity. I sat still on the floor, trying not to think of anything...trying to give my mind a rest. Out of the blue thoughts of how I ended up learning German popped up in my head. How I sat in the open canteen on a scorching hot day with my dad and spoke with Vedika about whether I should go for french or German and how Mimii was the key in it all. I still don't know what about her stirred a yearning in me to learn her language. And then my sister's phone rang. It was our common friend. Somehow I knew that I should take that all. I did. He asked me how i've feeling and why I've been so sad and of course I didn't want to answer. I shared that the very question made me cry so I'd prefer not to answer. He being an understanding fellow consented. Funnily enough he too has the same qualities as my Finnish friend when it comes to work ethics. These guys really know how to give something their 100% and I can't admire them enough for that. Maybe because I find that quality somewhat lacking in me. All this while I told my sister that it wasn't my career but my upcoming exams that had me worried for I didn't feel motivated enough to study. I can't say for sure for it might be too early to say but a part of me feels that Adi sort of managed to throw some light at the cause albeit indirectly. "Why don't you continue with German, why don't you become the best German speaking girl in your country, do you find that a difficult thing to do?, he asked. "No" , I said with conviction, surprising myself with my own reply. Even though we had a very short conversation...his questions echoed in my mind. Minutes later, I was telling my sister about the conversation. You know what's odd?That before I knew I was feeling light as a feather!! I was pleasantly suprised...still am for it was barely half an hour ago that all this occured! My sis mentioned how Adi thought that the main thing bothering me was not my exams but my inability to ascertain where my life was heading. The relief that washed over me post my very short talk with me gives me reason to believe the same. A subconscious thing I suppose. This I believe might be an intuitive nudge. Just the kind I had always been getting for writing particularly blogging I feel. I do however realize that my graduation exams are just round the corner and the time period left for preparation is rather limited so I'd have to pull up my socks. But I don't feel too tensed. It's just that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I really am being guided towards my destiny. Truth be told I'm not absolutely certain that German is what I'd like to continue with or that doing an MA in the subject and pursuing it further is the best thing for me...But....if what I'm feeling right now is how it's gonna make me feel then Gosh, this has to be "The" thing I'd eventually do. For it's only when you have experienced bouts of depression, gloom and deep sadness that you realize how much of a blessing it is indeed..to do something that makes you feel this light and expanded. I even sense a lot of joy for life and love welling up in me at the moment. It is sad that this feeling comes to me in fractions and that it doesn't last too long. But someday I'd like to get closer to discovering it's cause/ source. :) For now what remains to be figured is if it really was the hope my friend showed me ( by mentioning german) that's responsible for my blissful mood. For long I've had this strange nudge to record my life or at least the important events. It never made any sense though for "what I'm I gonna do with it" was often the question that popped up in my head. But when did I start giving preference to logic over intution i thought , especially when the latter has never failed to guide me or come to my rescue! I always refrain from calling myself a voracious reader. For me only a person who reads at least 200 books a year deserves that tag! There are however several self help books that I"ve read over a period of time or motivation speakers that i've enjoyed listening to. There are realizations that I've had so far, lessons I've learnt, people I've met - that taught me something and even for a not so observant person like me , several observations that I have made. I have read about the importance of affirmations , the power of the subconscious mind, believed in angels and their loving influence or power and yeah even been thought of as a fool for the same by many including my own siblings. The coming 50 days are crucial for my life and will shape it up in a certain manner, give it a certain direction. I've had much anxiety and doubts uptil now regarding my career but wasn't courageous enough to admit it or was in constant denial i suppose. My sister's constant concern caused mixed feelings of relief, anxiety, guilt and anger in me. I do hope hope that she comes to understand ( and others who have felt a similar way) that humans may err at times and may act like utter fools but no one , I've come to understand via my own experience messes up his or her life deliberately. It happens because we lack understanding of the cause of our misery or about our own selves , about things such as what we truly want from life, or from ourselves, what is it that we really wish to do and how is it that we choose to serve this world. These words I uttered make me reflect too over the frustration I've felt with some of my friends in the past ,thinking they just don't want to do something about their life. Ahh...I could never look at their situation this way earlier...strange. So , coming back to my point, I'm going to use the knowledge I've gained in the past to move ahead in these 50 days no matter how steep the valley may seem for I know that might happen but my challenge shall lie in walking ahead inspite of it all. I've been a perfectionist always. But for once I shall not think of how perfectingly I'm doing something but that I'm doing it in the best way I know possible shall suffice. I shall not look at the marks I score but at the effort I put all along. My reward shall not be my percentage but the knowledge that I chose to keep walking when I was tempted to just give it all up and stop dead in the tracks. The following days shall serve as a memoir of my journey and as a constant reminder of my courage and faith. I want to be able to look back and draw strength from this experience. And to possibly gain a deeper understanding of myself through the application of the knowledge i've gleamed in the past in order to deal with my current situation and those that may pop up in the coming weeks.