A 50 day journey

11th April 2011, 6:15pm What are 50 days if you think of it ....especially when you know how quickly time and days pass. It was just 2010 yesterday and before you know you've stepped into the year 2011. Time really waits for none and is one of those intangible things that always seems to be one the move!! I felt glad yesterday that I pushed myself to study for my German test even though i thought I won't be able to for my chest felt heavy and as has often been the case in the past few days..I felt a deep sadness in my soul. Like always I wasn't sure about the source but what the hell what do I care about that, what mattered more was to study for the test however I could! Somehow I managed and with God's grace and contrary to my expectations I did well in the test I believe! It's a shame thought that as much as I wanted to relax yesterday...I just didn't know exactly what it is that I could do to induce that feeling within me or what I could do to feel good in that moment or carefree! Just a few hours ago i was again filled with a strange feeling....the kind that makes you feel that life has come to a stand still. You lose all hope and wonder what's the point in going on. Talking to my Finnish friend over the phone helped. I wasn't sure if it would make any difference , telling someone how hopeless you think your life has become, how you can't seem to figure why you're struggling so hard with your studies or why your hear is just not into it, how bored you're feeling with life and disappointed over no answers coming your way...but it did. I still felt numb but a little comforted. I think of this friend as a brave fellow for inspite of the rough waters he's been through he's absolutely dedicated to his work and fulfils his duty with sincerity. I sat still on the floor, trying not to think of anything...trying to give my mind a rest. Out of the blue thoughts of how I ended up learning German popped up in my head. How I sat in the open canteen on a scorching hot day with my dad and spoke with Vedika about whether I should go for french or German and how Mimii was the key in it all. I still don't know what about her stirred a yearning in me to learn her language. And then my sister's phone rang. It was our common friend. Somehow I knew that I should take that all. I did. He asked me how i've feeling and why I've been so sad and of course I didn't want to answer. I shared that the very question made me cry so I'd prefer not to answer. He being an understanding fellow consented. Funnily enough he too has the same qualities as my Finnish friend when it comes to work ethics. These guys really know how to give something their 100% and I can't admire them enough for that. Maybe because I find that quality somewhat lacking in me. All this while I told my sister that it wasn't my career but my upcoming exams that had me worried for I didn't feel motivated enough to study. I can't say for sure for it might be too early to say but a part of me feels that Adi sort of managed to throw some light at the cause albeit indirectly. "Why don't you continue with German, why don't you become the best German speaking girl in your country, do you find that a difficult thing to do?, he asked. "No" , I said with conviction, surprising myself with my own reply. Even though we had a very short conversation...his questions echoed in my mind. Minutes later, I was telling my sister about the conversation. You know what's odd?That before I knew I was feeling light as a feather!! I was pleasantly suprised...still am for it was barely half an hour ago that all this occured! My sis mentioned how Adi thought that the main thing bothering me was not my exams but my inability to ascertain where my life was heading. The relief that washed over me post my very short talk with me gives me reason to believe the same. A subconscious thing I suppose. This I believe might be an intuitive nudge. Just the kind I had always been getting for writing particularly blogging I feel. I do however realize that my graduation exams are just round the corner and the time period left for preparation is rather limited so I'd have to pull up my socks. But I don't feel too tensed. It's just that I'm beginning to realize that perhaps I really am being guided towards my destiny. Truth be told I'm not absolutely certain that German is what I'd like to continue with or that doing an MA in the subject and pursuing it further is the best thing for me...But....if what I'm feeling right now is how it's gonna make me feel then Gosh, this has to be "The" thing I'd eventually do. For it's only when you have experienced bouts of depression, gloom and deep sadness that you realize how much of a blessing it is indeed..to do something that makes you feel this light and expanded. I even sense a lot of joy for life and love welling up in me at the moment. It is sad that this feeling comes to me in fractions and that it doesn't last too long. But someday I'd like to get closer to discovering it's cause/ source. :) For now what remains to be figured is if it really was the hope my friend showed me ( by mentioning german) that's responsible for my blissful mood. For long I've had this strange nudge to record my life or at least the important events. It never made any sense though for "what I'm I gonna do with it" was often the question that popped up in my head. But when did I start giving preference to logic over intution i thought , especially when the latter has never failed to guide me or come to my rescue! I always refrain from calling myself a voracious reader. For me only a person who reads at least 200 books a year deserves that tag! There are however several self help books that I"ve read over a period of time or motivation speakers that i've enjoyed listening to. There are realizations that I've had so far, lessons I've learnt, people I've met - that taught me something and even for a not so observant person like me , several observations that I have made. I have read about the importance of affirmations , the power of the subconscious mind, believed in angels and their loving influence or power and yeah even been thought of as a fool for the same by many including my own siblings. The coming 50 days are crucial for my life and will shape it up in a certain manner, give it a certain direction. I've had much anxiety and doubts uptil now regarding my career but wasn't courageous enough to admit it or was in constant denial i suppose. My sister's constant concern caused mixed feelings of relief, anxiety, guilt and anger in me. I do hope hope that she comes to understand ( and others who have felt a similar way) that humans may err at times and may act like utter fools but no one , I've come to understand via my own experience messes up his or her life deliberately. It happens because we lack understanding of the cause of our misery or about our own selves , about things such as what we truly want from life, or from ourselves, what is it that we really wish to do and how is it that we choose to serve this world. These words I uttered make me reflect too over the frustration I've felt with some of my friends in the past ,thinking they just don't want to do something about their life. Ahh...I could never look at their situation this way earlier...strange. So , coming back to my point, I'm going to use the knowledge I've gained in the past to move ahead in these 50 days no matter how steep the valley may seem for I know that might happen but my challenge shall lie in walking ahead inspite of it all. I've been a perfectionist always. But for once I shall not think of how perfectingly I'm doing something but that I'm doing it in the best way I know possible shall suffice. I shall not look at the marks I score but at the effort I put all along. My reward shall not be my percentage but the knowledge that I chose to keep walking when I was tempted to just give it all up and stop dead in the tracks. The following days shall serve as a memoir of my journey and as a constant reminder of my courage and faith. I want to be able to look back and draw strength from this experience. And to possibly gain a deeper understanding of myself through the application of the knowledge i've gleamed in the past in order to deal with my current situation and those that may pop up in the coming weeks.