A Mundane Start....

April 12th 2011 With every passing day my exam get closer and so does stress and that sense of anxiety. What happened to that blissful feeling I experienced yesterday, one second you've got it made, next second you're down in the dumps - a line from Cassandra Steen's song "Darum Leben Wir!" My brother was all concerned about my career yesterday , asking me what I intend to do, what my plans for the future are and so forth. It felt nice to note that someone felt concerned. But could it be true, what my sister says..that his concern mostly is just a facade, that it's just a pretension and that deep down he doesn't want any one of us to succeed or at least not more than him?! I've witnessed on a few occasions how cunning, shrewd or manipulative he can be but me being me I'm always ready to notice that particle of goodness even the worst person may possess , he after all is my brother! Does my sister really see him for who he is or is she too harsh on him. Could I be proved right in the end...could it be that he really does possess a beautiful heart regardless of everything?! How is it that my instincts fail me here? Sometimes i really feel that me and my sister's relation shall not remain the same. There's something about her brutal , heartless retorts, like she doesn't care if you feel hurt by what she may have said. It's funny , this feeling that I sense at times. As long as I'm in the dumps and she has a chance and an opportunity to put me down or to feel superior to me she's ok or on a sort of high, confident about her plans and eveything. However, the moment I'm feeling high or happy or excited and am doing my work dedicatedly...I've noticed how , suprisingly, she starts having doubts about her life, choices and career! It's weird and I'm not sure how this works. But for long I've been feeling like it's a strange power play going on. Guess I better maintain a distance from both of them to maintain my sanity! These days I've been experiencing a strange sense of loneliness. I do have friends but I don't feel like talking to them except once in a while. Yes, sometimes talking helps but mostly , it feels like a futile exercise. It's as if all my heart really wants is something it could fully engross itself in. I want something I could feel absolutely passionat about and involved in. But I'm slowly beginning to realize that I'd have to put in adequate efforts along with a firm belief in myself to discover it. It's IN me. I just have to be able to really see it for what it is. Ultimately it's my own journey. As long as I'm willing to work hard and learn from my mistakes and experiences there shall be options galore for me I'm sure. I sense it. Yes , I feel pretty much like I'm on my own and I don't know if I'll make it till the end..if I'll manage to finish my degree successfully ( something that is of utomost importance considering my financial postions and my dreams!) but does it mean I'll stop trying? My sister said "I wash my hands off you". I suppose she's sick of trying to convince me that there's no such thing as angels, metaphysics etc. She's become rather bitter about it all. But as far as I remember , it was never something she was interested in..she just got into it for she peraps felt that she could match me intellectually that way. She thought she was lacking something for she read only fiction and I was more into non fiction and had different topics to talk about and present my views about. I want that "ME " back. But this time I'd not preach away my knowledge and shall keep my future plans to myself. I shall not discuss what my dreams are or what it is that I wish to do. I'm not sure what made me so numb towards my future and career but what I do know is that the only way out of this all is to keep moving, to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. If no one else is here to give me hope then I must do that for myself. Ah and here's a beautiful message that just popped into my inbox. It truly sums it all up! This is not the end.But the beginning. All endings start something better. It is inevitable. Here is God's promise : Life proceeds , it never receeds. Life progresses , it never regresses. Not even death ends anything so how can this particular even matter? It is true. When one door closes, another opens. The movement of life is ever upward. Six months from now you'll know this, for now trust it. Do you think God doesn't know what She is doing?