I'm not sure if I can tell why I became this way or how. I am trying to figure that ot myself.Yes I tried seeking help but it doesn't seem to have worked. Guess I'm pretty much on my own. Me against the world or what? I don't know exactly where I picked up these somewhat destructive tendencies from....something like my knowing that my not studying would ultimately bring me to harm by my not being able to find the right MA course for myself or via wastage of even more time. MA is not a choice here..it's a must in my case considering that I wasn't born with a silver spoon and that it's my ladder to financial independence and self advancement in life. My sister has been trying to help me understand this for a long time but what she doesn't get is that I do know it all intellectually just that it is either not sinking in emotionally or perhaps I've been denying it all along , I'm not sure which one is true here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Just when I was wondering about exactly why I've been witnessing a repetitive pattern in my life since the past four years, wondering about where my life is heading...wondering what I truly want and stand for and what I truly want I ended up reading the following lines on a friend's facebook wall. " Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to do " I had an hour and a half's talk with a friend today. It was suprising to learn that he felt the same way I have back in school - that he's born for greatness. And he shared that it was his believe in the same that gave him the courage inspite of all the hurdles he came across in his path so far. Only difference between him and I - He's proving it through his actions , I'm not!!! And it's scary to think that if I don't mend my ways I'd probably be saying the same thing even ten years from now!! Time would pass anyhow. And to say I became an existentialist would really not be a good excuse. ================================= I don't know why I've always had this crazy desire to be something by 25 ... I know it's pretty weird , all the more so now coz i turn 23 this year and I won't even realize how these two years would pass by. ============================= Less than a month left now :( I have to believe in myself...I must! No other alternative left. Dear God, please give me the strength and the courage to make it all happen and to realize where my passion , my heart, my true interest lies!! It feels like a strange struggle, a struggle about retrieving myself back , the self i used to be and in the process transcending that self altogether and emerging as a more stronger and smarter person than I knew myself to be!